0:00 (audience applause)
0:05 - Thank you, Marie.
0:07 And thank you esteemed members of the faculty,
0:10 proud parents, devoted friends, squirming siblings,
0:15 congratulations to all of you.
0:17 But especially, congratulations to the magnificent
0:21 Berkeley Class of 2016.
0:23 (woman screams)
0:25 (audience applause)
0:31 It's my privilege to be here at Berkeley,
0:33 which has produced so many Nobel Prize winners,
0:36 Turing Award winners, astronauts, members of Congress,
0:41 Olympic gold medalists, and that's just the women.
0:45 (audience cheers)
0:53 Berkeley has always been ahead of the times.
0:55 As Chancellor Dirks said, in the 1960's,
0:58 you led the free speech movement.
1:01 Back then, people used to say with all the hair,
1:04 "How do we even tell the men from the women?"
1:07 Today we know the answer. Man buns.
1:11 (audience laughs)
1:15 Early on, Berkeley opened its doors
1:19 to the entire population.
1:21 When this campus opened in 1873,
1:25 you had 167 men and 222 women.
1:32 It took my alma mater another 90 years to give a
1:35 single degree to a single woman.
1:40 One of the women who came here in
1:41 search of opportunity was Roselyn Nuss.
1:45 Ros grew up scrubbing floors in the
1:47 Berkling boarding house where she lived.
1:50 In high school, her parents pulled her
1:52 out of school to help support the family.
1:55 And it was a local teacher who talked her parents
1:57 into putting her back into school.
2:00 In 1973, she sat where you sit today,
2:05 and she became a Berkeley graduate.
2:11 Ros was my grandmother.
2:15 (audience cheers)
2:23 She is one of the major sources of inspiration in my life.
2:26 I was born on her birthday.
2:28 And I am so grateful to Berkeley
2:31 for recognizing her potential.
2:34 And I want to say a special congratulations
2:36 to the many who today become the first
2:38 in your families to graduate from college.
2:41 What a remarkable achievement.
2:43 (audience cheers)
2:51 Today is a day of celebration.
2:54 A day to celebrate all the hard work
2:55 that got you to this moment.
2:58 Today is a day of thanks.
3:00 A day to thank all the people who helped you get here.
3:03 The people who taught you and nurtured you,
3:06 cheered you on, and dried your tears.
3:09 Or at least didn't write on you with a sharpie
3:11 when you fell asleep at a party.
3:13 (audience chuckles)
3:16 Today is a day of reflection
3:19 because today marks the end of one era of your life
3:23 and the beginning of something new.
3:28 A commencement address is meant to be
3:30 a dance between youth and wisdom.
3:33 You provide the youth.
3:35 Someone comes up here to be the voice of wisdom.
3:38 That's supposed to be me.
3:41 I tell you all the things I've learned in life,
3:43 you throw your cap in the air,
3:46 you let your family take a million photos,
3:49 and hopefully post them on Instagram,
3:52 and then we all go home happy.
3:57 Today's gonna be a bit different.
4:00 We'll still do the caps
4:02 and you still have to do the photos,
4:04 but I'm not gonna tell you today what I learned in life.
4:07 Today I'm going to try to tell you what I learned in death.
4:12 I've not spoken about this publicly before, and it's hard,
4:16 but I promise not to blow my nose
4:18 on this beautiful Berkeley robes.
4:25 One year and 13 days ago, I lost my husband, Dave.
4:32 His death was sudden and unexpected.
4:35 We were in Mexico celebrating a friends 50th birthday party.
4:40 I took a nap. He went to workout.
4:44 What followed was the unthinkable.
4:48 I walked into a gym to find him lying on the floor.
4:52 I flew home to tell my children that their father was gone.
4:57 I watched his casket being lowered into the ground.
5:04 For many months afterward, and at many times since,
5:07 I was swallowed in the deep fog of grief,
5:10 what I think of as the void.
5:12 An emptiness that fills your heart and your lungs,
5:15 constricts your ability to think or even to breathe.
5:21 Dave's death changed me in very profound ways.
5:26 I learned about the depths of sadness
5:27 and the brutality of loss.
5:30 But I also learned that when life sucks you under,
5:35 you can kick against the bottom,
5:37 find the surface, and breathe again.
5:42 (audience applause)
5:52 I learned that in the face of the void,
5:56 or in the face of any challenge,
5:59 you can choose joy and meaning.
6:03 I'm...
6:06 (audience cheers)
6:14 I'm sharing this with you today,
6:16 in the hopes that on this day in your lives,
6:19 with all the momentum and the joy,
6:22 you can learn in life the lessons I only learned in death.
6:27 Lessons about hope, about strength,
6:31 and about the light within us that will not be extinguished.
6:37 (audience applause)
6:44 Everyone who's made it through Cal
6:46 has already experienced some disappointment.
6:49 You wanted an A, but you got a B.
6:53 Let's be honest, you got an A minus but you're still mad.
6:57 (sparse laughter)
7:00 You applied for an internship at Facebook,
7:03 but you only got one at Google.
7:05 (audience laughs)
7:11 She was clearly the love of your life,
7:14 but then she swiped left.
7:16 (audience laughs)
7:20 Game of Thrones, the show, has diverged
7:23 way too much from the books,
7:25 and you're mad because you read 4,352 pages.
7:29 (sparse cheers)
7:34 You will almost certain face more and deeper adversity.
7:38 There's loss of opportunity, the job that doesn't work out,
7:43 the illness or crime which changes everything in an instant.
7:47 There's loss of dignity.
7:49 The sharp sting of prejudice when it happens.
7:53 There's loss of love.
7:54 The broken relationships that can't be repaired.
7:58 And sometimes, there's loss of life itself.
8:06 Many of you have already experienced
8:08 the kind of tragedy and hardship
8:09 that leaves an indelible mark.
8:12 Last year Radhika, winner of the University Medal,
8:15 spoke so beautifully about the sudden loss of her mother.
8:19 The question is not if some
8:21 of these things will happen to you.
8:22 They will.
8:24 What I want to talk about today
8:26 is what you do next.
8:29 About the things you can do to overcome adversity
8:32 no matter when it hits you or how it hits.
8:37 The easy days ahead of you will be easy.
8:40 It is the hard days, the days that challenge you
8:43 to your very core, that will determine who you are.
8:49 You will be defined, not just by what you achieve,
8:53 but by how you survive.
8:58 (audience applause)
9:07 A few weeks after Dave died,
9:08 I was talking to my friend Phil
9:11 about a father-son activity Dave would not be here to do.
9:15 We came in with a plan to fill in for Dave,
9:18 but I cried to Phil.
9:20 I said, "I want Dave."
9:24 Phil put his arm around me and said, "Option A is not
9:26 available, so let's just kick the shit out of option B."
9:32 (audience cheers)
9:39 We all, at some point, live some form of option B.
9:42 The question is, what do we do next?
9:53 As a representative of Silicon Valley,
9:54 I'm pleased to tell you that there's data we can learn from.
9:59 After spending decades studying how people
10:01 deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman
10:04 found that there are three keys,
10:06 personalization, pervasiveness, and permanence,
10:10 that are critical to how we bounce back from hardship.
10:14 The seeds of resilience are planted in the way
10:17 we process the negative events of our lives.
10:22 The first P is personalization,
10:24 the belief that we are at fault.
10:26 This is different from taking responsibility,
10:28 which you should always do.
10:30 This is the lesson that not everything that happens to us,
10:34 happens because of us.
10:37 When Dave died, I had a very common reaction,
10:40 which is to blame myself.
10:42 He died in seconds from a cardiac arrhythmia.
10:46 I pored over his medical records asking
10:48 what I could've or should've done.
10:51 It wasn't until I learned about the three P's
10:55 that I accepted that I could not have prevented his death.
10:58 His doctor's had not diagnosed his coronary artery disease.
11:03 I was an economics major. How could I?
11:07 Studies show that getting past personalization
11:10 can make us stronger.
11:12 Teachers who have students who fail who believe
11:16 they can do better, revisit their methods
11:19 and have future classes that excel.
11:22 College swimmers who underperform in a race,
11:26 but believe they can do better, do.
11:30 Not taking failures personally,
11:33 allows us to recover, and even to thrive.
11:38 The second P is pervasiveness,
11:41 the belief that an event will effect all areas of your life.
11:45 You know that song Everything is Awesome?
11:49 This is the flip, Everything is Awful.
11:53 There's nowhere to hide from the all consuming sadness.
11:58 The child psychologist that I spoke to encouraged me
12:01 to get my children back to their routine
12:03 as quickly as possible.
12:05 So ten days after Dave died, my kids went back to school
12:09 and I went back to work.
12:12 I remember sitting in my first
12:13 Facebook meeting in a total haze,
12:16 thinking what is everyone talking about
12:19 and how could this possibly matter.
12:23 And then, I got drawn into the conversation
12:25 and for a second, the briefest of all seconds,
12:29 I forgot about death.
12:32 That second helped me see that there were other things
12:35 in my life that were not awful.
12:38 My children and I were healthy.
12:40 My friends and family, some of whom are with me today,
12:44 were carrying us, quite literally.
12:48 The loss of a partner often has severe,
12:50 negative financial consequences, especially for women.
12:54 So many single mothers and fathers
12:58 struggle to make ends meet, and don't get
13:00 the time off they need to care for their families.
13:04 I had financial security, the ability to
13:07 take the time off I needed, and not just a job I loved,
13:11 but one where I was encouraged to spend all day on Facebook.
13:16 (audience laughs)
13:20 Gradually, my children started sleeping through the night,
13:24 crying less, and playing more.
13:29 The third P is permanence,
13:31 the belief that the sorrow will last forever.
13:35 This was the hardest by me for far because for so long
13:39 it felt like the overwhelming grief would never leave.
13:43 We often project our current feelings out indefinitely.
13:47 We're anxious, and then we're anxious that we're anxious.
13:51 We're sad, and then we're sad that we're sad.
13:56 Instead, we should accept our feelings
13:58 but know that they won't last forever.
14:01 My Rabbi of all people actually told me,
14:05 and this is a quote, that I should "lean into the suck."
14:12 Not what I meant when I said, "Lean in."
14:18 None of you need me to explain the fourth P,
14:21 which is of course pizza from Cheese Board.
14:24 (sparse cheers)
14:28 But I wish I had known about the three P's
14:31 where I was your age, because there are
14:33 so many times they would have helped me.
14:36 Day one of my first job out of college,
14:39 my new boss figured out that
14:41 I did not know how to enter data into Lotus 1-2-3.
14:45 That's a spreadsheet. Ask your parents later.
14:48 (audience chuckles)
14:49 His mouth dropped open, and he said in front of everyone,
14:52 "I can't believe you got this job without knowing that."
14:55 And then he left the room.
14:58 I was sure I was getting fired my very first week of work.
15:03 I thought I was terrible at everything,
15:05 but really, I was just terrible at spreadsheets.
15:09 Understanding pervasiveness would've saved me
15:12 a lot of anxiety that first week.
15:16 I wish I'd known about permanence
15:18 when I broke up with boyfriends.
15:20 It would've been a comfort to know
15:22 that that feeling wasn't gonna last forever.
15:25 And if I was honest with myself,
15:27 neither were any of those relationships.
15:30 (audience chuckles)
15:33 And I wish I had understood personalization
15:35 when boyfriends broke up with me.
15:38 Sometimes it's not you, it really is them.
15:43 That guy really didn't shower.
15:46 (audience chuckles)
15:51 And all three P's ganged up on me
15:54 when in my 20's I got divorced.
15:57 At the time, I thought that no matter what else I did,
16:01 I was a massive failure.
16:04 The three P's are common emotional reactions
16:07 to so many things that happen to us in our careers,
16:11 in our personal lives, in our relationships.
16:14 You're probably feeling one of them right now
16:17 about something in your life.
16:20 But if you can recognize your falling into these traps,
16:24 you can correct because just as our bodies
16:27 have a physiological immune system,
16:30 our brains have a psychological immune system,
16:33 and there are things you can do to help kick it into gear.
16:38 One day my friend Adam Grant, the psychologist,
16:41 suggested that I think about how much worse things could be.
16:45 This was completely counterintuitive to me.
16:48 I would've thought that getting through something like death
16:51 was about finding every positive thought I could.
16:55 "Worse?" I said to him. "Are you crazy?
16:58 How could things be worse?"
17:02 He looked at me and said, "Dave could've had
17:05 that same cardiac arrhythmia driving your children."
17:15 The minute he said it, I felt
17:18 overwhelming gratitude that my children were alive.
17:23 And that gratitude overtook some of the grief.
17:29 Finding gratitude and appreciation is key to resilience.
17:33 People who take the time to list the things
17:35 they are grateful for are healthier and happier.
17:40 My New Year's resolution this year
17:42 is to, before I go to bed, write down three moments of joy.
17:46 And this really simple practice has changed me life,
17:50 because no matter what happens each day
17:52 I go to bed thinking of something cheerful.
17:55 Try it.
17:57 Try it tonight when you have
17:58 so many things to be joyful for.
18:03 Although maybe before you go to Kip's
18:05 and don't remember what they are.
18:07 (audience laughs)
18:23 Last month, 11 days before the anniversary of Dave's death,
18:30 I broke down crying to a friend of mine.
18:33 We were sitting, of all places, on a bathroom floor.
18:38 I said, "11 days. A year ago he had 11 days left,
18:45 and we had no idea."
18:49 And then through tears we asked each other
18:52 how we would live if we knew we had 11 days left.
18:57 As you graduate, can you ask yourselves
19:00 to live as if you had 11 days left?
19:04 I don't mean blow everything off and party all the time,
19:08 although I've already said tonight's an exception.
19:13 I mean live with the understanding
19:14 of how precious every day would be,
19:18 because that's how precious every day actually is.
19:26 (audience applause)
19:36 A few years ago, my mom had to have her hip replaced.
19:40 Before that, she walked without pain,
19:43 but as her hip disintegrated,
19:44 every step she took was painful.
19:47 Today, years after the operation,
19:51 she's walking without pain,
19:53 but she's grateful for those steps.
19:56 Something that never would've even occurred to her before.
20:03 I stand here today, a year after
20:06 the very worst day of my life,
20:10 the worst day...the worst day I can imagine,
20:18 and two things are true.
20:22 I have a huge reservoir of sadness.
20:24 It is with me always. It is right here where I can touch it.
20:29 I never knew I could cry so often or so much.
20:41 But for the first time, I'm grateful
20:44 for each breath, in and out.
20:46 I'm grateful for the gift of life itself.
20:50 I used to celebrate my birthday every five years
20:53 and my friend's birthdays sometimes.
20:56 Now I celebrate always.
21:00 I used to go to bed every night worrying about all
21:03 the things I did wrong that day,
21:05 and trust me the list was long.
21:08 Now I go to bed trying to focus
21:11 on that day's moments of joy.
21:16 It is the greatest irony of my life
21:20 that losing my husband helped me find deeper gratitude.
21:27 Gratitude for the kindness of my friends,
21:30 the love of my family, and the laughter of my children.
21:36 My hope for you, is that you can find that gratitude,
21:39 not just on the easy days like today,
21:43 but on the hard days when you will need it.
21:48 (audience applause)
21:57 There are so many moments of joy ahead of you.
22:01 The trip you always wanted to take.
22:04 A first kiss with someone you really like.
22:09 Finding a job you believe in.
22:12 Beating Stanford. Go Bears!
22:16 (audience cheers)
22:22 All of these things will happen to you.
22:25 Enjoy each and every one.
22:27 I hope that you live your life,
22:29 each precious day of it, with joy and meaning.
22:33 I hope that you walk without pain,
22:36 and you are grateful for each step.
22:40 And when the challenges come, I hope you remember
22:43 that deep within you is the ability to learn and grow.
22:48 You are not born with a fixed amount of resilience.
22:51 It's a muscle.
22:53 You can build it up and then draw on it when you need it.
22:57 And in that process, you figure out who you really are,
23:02 and you just might become the very best version of yourself.
23:11 (audience applause)
23:18 Class of 2016, as you leave Berkeley, build resilience.
23:28 Build resilience in yourselves.
23:31 When tragedy or disappointments strike,
23:33 know that you have deep within you
23:36 the ability to get through anything,
23:38 and I mean anything.
23:40 I promise you do.
23:42 As the saying goes "We are more vulnerable
23:45 than we ever thought. But we are stronger
23:49 than we ever imagined."
23:54 (audience applause)
23:59 Build resilient organizations.
24:02 If anyone can do it, you can.
24:04 Because Berkeley is filled with people
24:06 who want to make the world a better place.
24:09 Never stop working to do so, whether it's a board room
24:13 that's not representative, or a campus that's unsafe.
24:18 Speak up, especially at institutions like this,
24:22 that you hold so dear.
24:24 My favorite poster at work reads
24:26 "Nothing at Facebook is someone else's problem."
24:30 When you see things that are broken,
24:33 and you will see things that are broken,
24:36 go fix them.
24:41 (audience applause)
24:46 Build resilient communities.
24:49 We find our humanity, our will to live, and our ability
24:57 to love, in our relationships with each other.
25:02 Be there for your family and friends.
25:05 And I mean in person.
25:07 Not just in a message with a heart emoji.
25:12 Lift each other up.
25:15 Help each other kick the shit out of option B.
25:19 And celebrate every moment of joy. Go Bears!
25:26 (audience cheers)