Because a friend of mine asked me, I called on good-natured, talkative old Simon Wheeler and asked him about my friend's friend, Leonidas W. Smiley. This story is the result of that visit. I have a deep suspicion that Leonidas W. Smiley doesn't exist; that my friend from the East never knew such a person; and that he made the request of me as a joke. I think he imagined that if I went to Wheeler and asked him about Smiley, then Wheeler would make up a story and bore me to death with some terribly long, exasperating useless tale. If that was my friend's plan, it succeeded.

I found Simon Wheeler dozing comfortably by the barroom stove of the dilapidated tavern in the decayed mining camp of Angel's, and I noticed that he was fat and baldheaded. He looked gentle, and his face showed him to be a happy, peaceful man. He awakened and greeted me enthusiastically. I told him that a friend of mine had asked me to ask around about an old friend of his from childhood. My friend's old friend was named Leonidas W. Smiley. I further explained that my friend thought that Smiley was a young minister of the Gospel and that he lived in Angel's Camp—or at least he used to. I told Wheeler that I would be very grateful if he could tell me anything about Smiley, since I wanted to honor my friend's request.

Simon Wheeler backed me into a corner and blockaded me there with his chair. He then sat down and proceeded to tell me the most boring, monotonous story I had ever heard. He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key which he started with, he never showed the slightest amount of enthusiasm. His story was flat and dull. But, interesting to note, throughout the entire tale he showed himself to be earnest and sincere. It was a wild tale (as you will soon see, since I am going to repeat it word for word), but he never showed me that he thought it wasn't true. It never occurred to him that it was a story either. He regarded it as a truly important matter, and he clearly admired its two heroes as men of taste, wit, and intelligence. I let him tell it in his own way and never interrupted him once. Here is his story:

"Reverend Leonidas W ... Hmm, Reverend ... well, there was a fellow here once by the name of Jim Smiley, but no Leonidas ... That was back in the winter of 1849—or maybe it was the spring of the '50s—I don't remember exactly, but what makes me think it was one or the other of those times is that the big flume wasn't finished when he first came to Angel's Camp. But anyway, he was the most curious man you ever saw about betting. He would bet on anything and everything he could, and if he couldn't get anyone to bet on the other side, then he'd change sides. It didn't matter which side he was on, as long as he could bet. If he had a bet on with a person, he was happy; if he didn't, he wasn't satisfied until he did. And the interesting thing is that he was pretty lucky. He almost always won his bets, even when he had changed sides on a bet. He was always waiting and ready for someone to come along so he could offer him some sort of bet. If there was a horse race, he'd bet all he had, and at the end of it he'd either be broke or he'd have a lot of money. If there was a dog fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a cat fight, he'd bet on it; if there was a chicken fight, he'd bet on it; if there were two birds sitting on a fence, he'd bet you which one would fly first. Even if he saw a little bug on the ground walking along somewhere, he'd bet you how long it would take the bug to get there (wherever it was the bug was going), and then he'd follow that bug all day to see if he won. Lots of people are still here who remember Jim. They'll tell you what he was like. It never made a bit of difference to him—he'd bet on anything. One time the preacher's wife was sick and we all thought she was going to die. A few days later, the preacher came out and told us how the Lord had smiled on his good wife and that she was going to live. Smiley offered to bet him a dollar that she wouldn't.

"Smiley owned a horse while he was here. We used to kid Jim and call her the fifteen-minute nag because she was so slow, but actually she wasn't too slow, we just liked to kid Jim. He used to win money betting on her. She was sick a lot, so in races the others used to give her a few hundred yards' head start. The other horses would always catch up and pass her, but then near the end of the race, she'd get all excited and desperate and start running faster. She looked as if she were going to fall down with her crazy legs going in all directions and with her coughing and sneezing and almost falling over, but somehow she would pull all of her strength together at the very end and she almost always won by a nose.

"Jim also had a fighting dog which he named after the President, Andrew Jackson. That was the ugliest dog on earth, and he looked as if he were about to die any minute, and when he didn't look that way, he looked as if he wanted to steal something like a common thief. But when the time came to fight another dog, Jim's pup was another dog. At first, Jim's dog appeared ready to lose to the other dog. The other dog would run him around and tackle him, bite him, and throw him all over the ring. People would start to increase their bets against Andrew Jackson. Then, all of a sudden, Jim's pup would come alive. He'd grab the other dog by the hind legs and freeze to them. He wouldn't chew, you understand, he would just hold on until the other dog had to give up.

"Smiley always won money on that dog. Always except once, that is. The dog had to fight another dog, as usual, but this time the other dog had no hind legs. Well, old Andrew Jackson didn't know what to make of it and he lost that fight. Afterwards, he just shook his head, slinked off past Smiley as though he were ashamed of what had happened, and then lay down and died.

"Smiley had all kinds of other animals which he used to bet on, too. He had other dogs, chickens, cats, and several others which I can't even remember. One time he caught a frog and decided he would teach it to jump. He worked with that frog for about three months, and you can bet that at the end of that time the frog was a pretty good jumper. Jim would give the little beast a punch and the frog would leap higher than any frog you've ever seen. That frog would whirl around in the air and on its feet just like a cat. He was also good at catching flies.

"Smiley named his frog Daniel Webster and claimed that all any frog ever wanted was a good education. He trained the frog so well that all he had to say was 'Flies, Daniel, flies!' and quick as a wink that frog would leap off the floor to wherever the fly was, catch it with his tongue, and land back where he started. When he landed, the frog would act as if nothing had happened. He'd just scratch his head with his hind foot as if he did that sort of thing all the time. Daniel Webster's best trick was jumping from a seated position; that is, with no running head start. Whenever there was an opportunity for Daniel to test his jumping, Smiley would try to find someone to bet with. He was proud of that frog and wanted to show him off to people.

"One day a stranger came into town and saw Smiley carrying the box which served as the frog's house. 'What might it be that you've got in the box?' he asked Smiley.

"Smiley sensed a possible bet, so he acted indifferently. 'Oh, it's nothing much,' he answered, 'just a frog.'

"'Well, what's he good for?' asked the fellow as he looked into the box and observed the ordinary-looking animal.

"Carelessly and easily, Smiley said, 'He's only good for one thing in this world; he can outjump any frog in Calaveras County.'

"The fellow took the box and looked hard and long into it again, then he shook his head. 'He doesn't look any different from any other frog I've ever seen. I don't believe he's any better either.'

"'Maybe that's because you don't understand frogs the way I do,' Smiley said, smiling. 'Maybe you haven't had any experience. Maybe you're just an amateur when it comes to frogs. Anyway, it's my opinion that this frog can beat any frog in the county and I've got forty dollars here that I'll bet against any frog you can put up against mine.'

"'Well, I'm just a stranger here,' the man said sadly, 'and I don't have a frog, but if I had one, I'd bet you.'

"Smiley smiled slowly. 'That's all right. If you just hold my box here for a minute, I'll go and get you a frog.' And that's what happened. The fellow took the box with Daniel Webster in it while Smiley went off to find a suitable opponent for a jumping contest. They both put up forty dollars, winner take all.

"While he was waiting for Smiley to return, the fellow took the frog out of the box and fed him a few teaspoons of whiskey. Of course he didn't tell Smiley that he had done this, and when Smiley returned from the swamp with a good-looking frog to serve as Daniel's opponent, the fellow had put quite a bit of liquor into the little beast.

"Smiley was excited, as he always was when there was a bet. 'Put the two of them next to each other on this line on the floor, and I'll give the word to begin.' Smiley shouted and the two men touched their frogs, but Daniel Webster didn't move. The other frog leaped straight up and then hopped off in a lively manner all the way across the room. Smiley's frog straightened its legs and reached up as though to jump, but then settled back down as though his feet were glued to the floor. Smiley was sad and disgusted, but he had no idea what the matter was.

"The fellow took the money and started to leave, but as he was going out the door, he turned, jerked his thumb at Daniel and said, 'He's not so good. Any old swamp frog can outjump him!'

"Smiley just stood there a long time looking down at his frog and wondering what was wrong with him. 'He looks fat and saggy,' he finally said as he reached down to pick Daniel up. 'Good Lord, he weights five pounds!' Smiley shouted, and at that moment the frog belched up a couple of ounces of whiskey. When Smiley realized what had happened, he was so mad that he could hardly see straight, and he started chasing after the fellow who had won his money, but he never caught him. One other time ..."

At this moment someone called to Simon from across the street, so he went over to see what the person wanted. "Don't move, stranger," he said to me as he got up from his chair, "I'll only be gone a minute. I want to tell you about another time when Smiley had a yellow, one-eyed cow with no tail, just a short stump that looked like a banana ..."

I had neither time nor inclination to hear about the afflicted cow, so I waited until Wheeler was halfway across the street, and then I ran out of Angel's Camp as fast as I could.